My month long “retreat”.
On the 27thth of December 2024 I took the long journey to Kerala in India for 28 days of intensive Ayurveda study along with Pancha Karma treatment (a deep cleanse of every cell of your body which I will explain in this piece).
Now, the actual flight to Kerala included a new experience for me – missing a connecting flight. I must state that this was through no lack of speed, effort, sweat and desperation on my part. I went full SAS mode trying to close the large gap between me, my arrival gate and the subsequent airline that took me to Kerala.
However. Dubai airport is extremely large and busy – so much so that it has connecting trains between departure gates – it is apparently very common to witness a traveller running full pelt with luggage swinging wildly from their sweat drenched back, not unlike a jockey on a psychotic horse, while also trying to keep their face free of the expression of someone security may want to stop and check (a universal worry.)
So, it is 3am and I am not fresh or zen. My eyes are wide and bloodshot, my jaw is clenched in deep fatigue and tension, and my socks are feeling progressively smaller as they grip round my cabin pressured legs. 120 minutes is the cut off point for checking in at this airport, due to changing airlines I missed it by 10 minutes. Hello TMJ!! (basically, jaw tension so high it is now a medical diagnosis).
The airline crew are very kind and calm, and I immediately express in a stressed, lightly hysterical voice that I don’t want to be a nuisance or nightmare kind of customer, but I am too overwhelmed to tap into the logical rational part of my brain that will guide me to a solution. (Thank goodness this is their job.) All I am aware of is being stuck alone in Dubai while my flight slowly leaves without me. I check into a holiday inn, pay an eye watering fee for a bed, and fortunately manage to book onto the same flight 24 hours later, for a mere rebooking fee of £30. (The punishment fee for not being the speed of a wonder woman. *tuts*.)
When I check in to the hotel, I am quite dissociated, so I buy the only food available at 4am, some biscuits from the hotel kiosk. I brew some herbal tea and message my friends while in full saturation of heightened emotion. At this point I’m halfway between home and India and I’m unsure of what direction I want to go in anymore. Opening my new journal “Bad girls through history” (think heroines and powerful women who were brave and legendary) I write my location and todays date. 27-28th December 2024 – Dubai Holiday Inn.
All at once the many things I have been feeling come pouring out – often when we get overwhelmed or stressed by a situation, dormant suppressed emotions suddenly wake up! I knew this as my reaction to missing the flight was one way to react rather than the only reasonable one. URGH. If I had less on my mind and heart, I would have been more cool and chic about it all. ALAS.
I write about feeling like I’ve been cracked out of an egg far too soon and my wings are not yet ready. My vision is blurry and I have no home anymore. Now this all sounds very sad and depressing and I guess it is! Losing my mam 3 years ago was beyond my worst nightmares and it is taking me “a long time” to deal with it. At this point I just want to ring her and for us to laugh about it and make it light and funny in under 3 minutes, to know where I belong and that there are strong warm wings catching me anytime life thwacks me sideways.
So, I sit there with my soggy biscuits and herbal tea, crying and really feeling sorry for myself, like maximum self-pity. My gorgeous female friends are of course amazing, and their sweet comforting messages offer my weak wings something to float on.
Here are some stills from one of my video messages to my pals, I had been awake for 20 hours, missed a flight I was told I “could never have made” (according to one member of the airport staff) and was feeling, evidently, sorry for myself.
I surrender to losing all control and just being sad and pathetic, confronting the feelings of grief triggered by feeling totally alone while my big iron bird leaves without me. I do some somatic work and slowly come back into my body and allow a degree of balance and peace to return.
It is soon after this point in my hotel room, after a cold and weak pressured shower (que the “can’t anything go right!” shpiel), that I decided to begin my podcast! From destruction comes creation *wise nod*. My whole life (thanks to my mam) I strive to see life in a multidimensional way, the bad and good both having equal importance and relevance. (Yes, it is hard being this wise *dramatic sigh*). So we may as well lean in and act like we wrote this mad script for the film that is our mad life! As always, doing something creative in times of stress is the perfect medicine and I feel confident again, and less harsh on myself about not making that near impossible flight connection.
A long 24 hours later, about to board my flight from Dubai to Kerala, I make sure I spot the staff who helped me figure out getting my flight sorted, waving and smiling as I tell them I am less hysterical today and grateful for their help and calmness. One says to me smiling “there will have been a reason you missed it, trust!” and I am warmed by his perspective that I can easily forget in times of deep stress or troubles. (I’m not totally clear on the reason yet but I like this view nonetheless).
It is finally 29/12/2024 and I have ARRIVED. I put on my new white cotton top to keep me cool and covered and notice one of my pens has exploded all over it. “Of course!” I say to myself, with no energy to even huff and grump about it.
The morning after I arrive. Disoriented but exactly where I need to be. The Greens Ayurveda in Kerala. It is surrounded by busy roads and fast living, and the tuktuks that take us to the cake shops are like clips from final destination every time. There are no rules for the road here. The life risking journeys are worth it though, the cakes were amazing (post PK of course).
Now, if you haven’t noticed already, I am a huge fan of metaphors and the language of the universe – and without sounding too flim flam, I believe in the interconnectedness of everything, and that when you pay attention you will see nudges and “signs” that are relevant for your life and your path.
I am aware that our subconscious will also keep an eye open to confirm our beliefs – and this is important to be aware of so we can understand what our minds are programmed for and expect and where they can limit us too. I could easily go deeply into this, but I’ll save it for another blog – my main point is that I had felt alone and “marked irrecoverably” by the losses of 2021, which was reflected back to me in this journey as my ink-stained unwashable white top. Damn it.
I understood that this month away could be the time I processed these feelings, so they didn’t become my identity – “this is just my luck!” or the “This is typical for me” mentality is easy to adopt after trauma, hardship, and the pains of life. (Neuroplasticity is a brilliant subject that I encourage you to explore.)
So here I am in a small room, very basic, very hot, no views bar a brick wall & pipes, with a feeling more towards a soldier’s quarters than a retreat boudoir. I re-affirm to myself in an instant how much I love luxury and comfort. I hate camping and I do think paying for lovely accommodation is important, I am not the friend for back packing or doing low budget adventures, “it’s just somewhere to sleep!” No, give me the spa hotel and filter coffee please and thanks!
It takes a few days to settle in and get my body clock adjusted. I go from agitated and wondering why on earth people love travel so much, to really loving the new experience and being excited about new things again! I also find with any type of travel that last a while, it can reveal the parts of yourself that you play as a role too often – of course we have our jobs and responsibilities, but it is easy to become a version of yourself that is essentially, an imitation of what people need or want you to be.
I continue to journal my experiences, and by day 5 my legs still look and feel heavy from the flights, the humidity and fatigue, and I keep writing and processing and learning and sweating (it is 30+ degrees Celsius most days and my room is sans air con!). I’m aware of how much tension I’m holding and how “braced” I feel – from trying to protect myself not only as a solo female traveller, but also in parts of my life where I have the space to realise I do not feel safe, and need to remove myself from such situations that keep me in survival mode. (I also have nice realisations like how I am grateful for my now tiny family of my Dad and our tiny dog, & the quiet stability of it).
Papa Hall and Mitziboo
A really lovely part of my time in the Ayurveda college, is realising how much I know already and integrating that knowledge with the lessons from the Doctors here.
When learning such an ancient science like Ayurveda, the layers and connections are many and deep. For example, not just our diets and lifestyle, but our identity, beliefs about ourselves, habits, all shape our health and wellbeing. To truly be great practitioner, you must do this work on yourself, otherwise how can you be a guide if you have not walked and paved a pathway for others, really immersed yourself in the concepts and practices?
The time I got to have a Banana Leaf treatment. Excellent fun. Weird feeling.
It is important to note at this stage that I had begun my collection of what would become 25 bites from mosquitos and FIRE ANTS. Oh my days that pain is something else. I was covered up all of the time, yet those violent insects kept feasting! Thankfully the Ayurveda hospital had some really effective medicines that healed the most huge angry bites so there was no scarring, and I somehow didn’t get sick! However – the medicine looked and smelt like literal cow dung, this was a real downside but because it worked so well, I endured! So one week in and I am hot, itchy, and covered in bites and poo smelling medicine – yey for travel!
The bites that led me to desperate states of itchy-ness, and the poo looking and smelling medicine that worked wonders.
It was the nasty fire ants we must have walked through one night; they really went for it on my toes – which were nearly all bitten and swollen! One night into the 3.5 weeks of bites, I woke up demented with pain, blasting the cold faucet on them to cool down the pain and itching, then in a groggy and desperate state, (with only one eye willing to open due to being shattered), made a herbal paste with some of my herbs and water and caked it all over my poor feet, covering them with my least favourite pair of socks.
Please witness the chuffing bites, more poo looking paste, and me at the end of my tether being exhausted with them. (and the medicine smell) Endurance tests in Kerala. Bugs - 25, Me - 0.
There were many times during this trip it felt like an endurance test, and it really gave me endless opportunities to practice acceptance and patience (strains a smile).
So now we are nearing the detoxification process. Our food is very clean and unprocessed; we eat at the same time daily and get about 14 hours between dinner and breakfast (we are always hungry for breakfast here!). The Pancha Karma process is designed to clean your tissues and increase your digestive strength. Using specific herbs and medicated ghee to pull fat soluble toxins into your gut to eliminate them from your body. Toxins are harmful to the body, and although we can handle a certain amount, too many will cause blockages, inflammation and in time, disease. When we look at health through an Ayurvedic lens, we look at the whole person – so your mind and emotions will also be included in the cleansing.
This is the second Pancha karma (PK) treatment I have undertaken, and both brought up nightmares, forgotten memories and limiting beliefs that stopped me from growing and experiencing joy.
Pancha Karma is a process using 5 detox pathways, not all of them are used for every individual, it depends on the needs, strength and stage of toxicity/disease. It uses the body’s natural detoxification pathways to eliminate harmful toxins, strengthen immunity and digestion, and rejuvenate mind and body. It a deep and profound process to treat and prevent disease and premature ageing and is intended to be integrated into healthy living and habits rather than a “quick fix”. It will involve unpleasant feelings as you detox through Virechana (bowel movements), sometimes Vamana (vomiting), sweating and taking foul tasting herbs! I promise it is worth it though.
The solid tables you end up sliding all owa. The TukTuks - our taxi’s to the cake shop. A syringe we would become very familiar with…read on for that…. and the place we took turns regulating our nervous systems.
The process isn’t just about food and herbs, we receive full body abhyanga daily, vigorous application of warm oil to your whole body – with flimsy paper pants that end up covering very little and fully confronting you with your inhibitions.
The Ayurvedic massage tables are solid wood, beautiful but not as luxurious as the massage tables we know here in the UK. You basically lie down, face up then face down, then on both your sides so your skin is fully saturated in oils which pull fat soluble toxins out your tissues, stimulating blood, lymph, and relaxing your nervous system so your body can digest and detox toxins and inflammation. There are no drapes for your modesty so you just have to make peace with feeling like an oddly shaped Turkey being basted and prepared for the oven.
A big part of cleansing is getting into states of “rest and digest” which is essential for allowing digestion and elimination of toxins.
This took me a while to get into given that I wasn’t prepared to be butt naked in front of 2 young student practitioners who instruct you to take everything off and then wrap a paper nappy on you – the first treatment was also when the exfoliation of my dignity began.
The amount of oil on solid wood, also meant I would slide frequently like an awkward baby gazelle as I assumed the different positions for the oil application.
Anyway, I committed to this process seeing as I had travelled all this way and wanted to experience it fully. The amount of oil on my skin that month was easily gallons, and I was grateful for it as warm oil is very nurturing and nourishing. I had recently noticed in the last couple of years, lines round my eyes that crept up quickly – at 37 I expect some changes in my skin, but it really felt and looked like I had cried my eyes dry – another uplifting observation! Grief does dry you out, it tears through your body and uses your tissues up – especially when combined with shock and trauma. I feel this is important to mention as we don’t have a great relationship with emotions, especially grief and trauma. Whatever your loss is, grief will be the thing that rips into you for the ultimate pain and, if we surrender to it, eventually a transformation. It can be surreal to watch an old version of you vaporise with the person or situation you have also lost. The bleak truth is, it takes subjectively “ages” to heal from some things. The fact that I also got a sty and had swelling on my eyes linked to the feeling of too many tears not enough time to shed them yet.
With my understanding of somatic healing, myofascial tissues, the emotional body, I knew I had to put myself into a cleansing regime to help heal my grief and make attempts at a new life with a whole new landscape. This is one of the things I adore about holistic and Ayurvedic sciences – they really treat you in a multi-dimensional way.
Our daily classes were super, so much information to take in and understand - but such golden knowledge.
When I went to the Greens Ayurveda Spa in Wetherby, Dr Jolly and his team did beautiful work with my initial Pancha karma. They noted my heart and sacral chakras were blocked and frozen, which made sense from the sudden loss of relationship and loss of my Mam. I was stuck between not knowing how to move on and desperately wanting to re-join my life again. Their treatments helped soften and melt these areas and tissues, allowing me to feel softer, feel the sadness and let it flow out rather than be stuck in my body. These blocks manifested as reproductive pain and palpitations – everything is always linked
So, back to my cleanse/endurance test in Kerala. I will choose a more luxurious/comfortable setting for my next PK, as the small dark room made me feel trapped and lonely which I was trying to stop feeling – although it did force me to generate the internal feelings of freedom and connection in a paradoxical way. The daily massages sound lovely but I found them more practical than relaxing – they were for detoxing, and as a classic Brit, I found it hard not to be constantly and keenly aware of my whole arse being out, as well as my ‘wabs’ flying free, to focus on relaxing. I did however keep my eyes shut and tried to make my face look relaxed the whole time, as I didn’t want to be a tense client or appear ungrateful, (see how easy I relax?).
My Turn! :D
The days preparing for the Virechana (induced multiple bowel movements to eliminate the toxins you have pulled into your gut) you intake large amounts of medicated ghee – it genuinely works wonders but is, quite frankly, GROSS.
I am aware again of the tensions in my body, and due to being often painfully self- aware, understood I was going into my habitual freeze response – however the treatments and medications are designed for releasing, and I experience a good cry, many dashes to the loo, and a deep peaceful sleep. Emotional toxins are just as, if not more than, harmful as ingested ones from foods and drinks – so for an effective treatment it is vital to self-reflect and with compassion, see what you are holding onto, and even if you let go just a little? That’s still progress and makes wonderful positive effects for you.
I gratefully let go of some fear and shock that were living in my limbs, and this one morning I decide to meditate for a short while after the yoga class. I open my eyes and see the shadow of a spider on my window, on the inside, just behind the blinds. Oh brilliant! I am instantly flooded with muted panic and intense sweating. As I return from my meditation from extending compassion to all living beings, I grab my shoe and scream quietly as I splat this poor (but possibly bite-y spider) into his next life. I cannot bear another bite from another bug. I apologise out loud and go to meet my fellow cleansers for breakfast, accepting of my contradictions.
These gorgeous girls I had the joy of learning with, and two of the practitioners showing us many herbal remedies and treatments!
I would love to tell you how amazing it feels to do PK, but it only feels good after. Firstly we feel the toxins draw into our bellies and feel sick, along with the emotions demanding to be felt and digested too – we have the space and time to sit with them, digest them and eliminate the stuff we don’t need for our next steps forward. Working with natures medicines, we learn to mimic nature – I feel the death of the woman/girl I was, “Little Pand”, my mother’s baby, and go into the cold ground to alchemise into the different version of myself, one where I integrate my favourite parts of her I cannot bear to believe are gone. I play her ukelele, wear her clothes, and begin to play, laugh and evolve again. Spring and Summer always come, and the cyclical rhythm of life offers us more tomorrows to heal and grow, have joy and reclaim ourselves again and again.
A type of integration of grief and healing. My beautiful wonderful Mother x
There are moments where I feel like I am coming home to myself. I experienced the end of a long-term relationship after my Mam died, which shredded my broken heart, though now I understand it was a liberation from something that wasn’t truly love, or maybe just not a complete one, but time and good friends have sewn beautiful new patches all over my heart.
My favorite woman sent me this after ma died, I keep it on display still as it is just gorgeous x
By the end of the month in India. I have had a sty, swollen eyes and calves, been itchy for 80% of the time, and lost a fair amount of dignity. Add some emotional releases and voluntary loose bowel movements – and you have a good short summary of my time here. However….
The last part of this detox includes a re-hydrating process of the large intestine. Via your vortex (anus). I sigh deeply as I feel the last piece of dignity slide out my grasp. The sweet girl who has done most of my treatments comes into my room and tells me to remove my pants and lie on my side, and.. RELAX? A tired T-shirt is all I have on, and I feel like Winnie the Pooh? Trying to relax when someone is literally focused on your bumhole is not that easy, but I try and just give up and let the tube with warm oils flood my large intestine. It is over quite quickly, and I am told to hold it in for “maximum time”. “What is that!?”. Lucky for me, I am a recovering tense person and feel so smug at holding these oils in my bum and bowels for hours. (During this retention time it is important not to trust even the smallest amount of wind that may want to escape your body, it would be an awful and messy mistake indeed.
There are two more days of this, and I realise I quite enjoyed the sensation of warmth and relaxation in my lower belly & pelvis. Although odd to admit, I found the oil enemas very relaxing and healing and considering opening to dating again now my sacral chakra wasn’t frozen anymore. (I know this is very honest, but I believe in transparency when describing something as intensive as PK).
I have filled a small notebook with my thoughts, fears, worries, hopes and realisations.
I have let some things go and let my authentic feelings take up place where survival was once living. I can hope and dream and create again due to spending much less time in survival mode. I have really acknowledged my pain, and witnessed my limiting thoughts driven by fear, and feel a level of clarity that I can use to steer my life in a direction aligned with me, rather than external expectations and pressures. Now I must add that this is not 100% fool proof, I expect to flop back into old habits, but less and less as time moves on.
My main joy from this trip, is having the experience and lessons, all the teachings from the hours of lectures and classes, to bring back home to help others needing a multi-dimensional approach to healing.
Amongst the bites and tiring detox process, we had some really lovely moments, food, experiences and met some wonderful people too.
My notebooks are FULL and I am so grateful to have had the time with some of the Doctors with an infinite pool of wisdom, and it has taken me just shy of a year to document this experience – and this is an edited version that I have tried to keep short and to the point, while including the important and bracingly honest accounts of the whole time here.
Thank you for reading this small blog, I hope it has been informative, enlightening and helpful! I look forward to sharing more with you soon,
One year on, the podcast is re vamped and will be discussing on a regular basis, the many approaches and therapies for complete holistic health. Thank you for reading and listening, I am very excited about sharing lots more with you this year!
Yours in true health & in maintaining our essential Balance,
Amanda x
