Grieving shared is halved, Joy shared is doubled
At some level we know death is a part of life, not the end of it.
Unfortunately our society sweeps the experience of death under a carpet, we don’t talk about it or discuss it with our children as we don’t want to upset them. We will only think about it when we are forced to, when it happens to us.
This naturally creates fear and apprehension around death, as well as leaving us at sea without knowing how to ‘Embrace’ it at the very best, and at the very least allow ourselves to grieve fully.
Interestingly, in some cultures, death is a celebration and the birth of a child is mourned, as they recognize the life ahead of them, with all its challenges, lessons and suffering as well as joy. When someone passes away however, they celebrate their loved one being free from the earth plane, liberated from suffering and pain.
Considering different perspectives helps us, and we all have different beliefs, experiences, religions and faiths. The big things in life, like birth and death, we cannot truly comprehend, and its a topic we are forever fascinated by, but some things cannot always be measured or recorded in scientific data.
This short video is by far one of the best monologues I have ever listened to, from a Dr who worked in ICU for years, savings lives, seeing death and life pass through his doors countless times. His account of what people say when being brought back from “the other side of the veil” is incredible. Watch HERE
Another beautiful take on loss, is this one HERE by Neale Donald Walsh, “We mourn our loss, not their death”. These reminders have got me through the hardest, darkest and most painful times during my grief, I hope they bring you and your loved ones some comfort and peace too.
Is there a right way to cry? A right way We are supposed to grieve?
I have spoken to those who have lost loved ones, and the experiences are naturally all different. Grief is so unique to you, the person who as passed, and your relationship to them, and no 2 losses will be grieved the same.
So no, there is no rule book to follow, no right way or time frame to adhere to. I have been shocked at the noises that have escaped my mouth as I move through the stages of grief, and I could not, and did not want, to stop them. Tears will flow at the most unexpected and inconvenient times. In the bread isle of Tesco for example. Then you realize you have ran out of milk, and didn’t buy any, and your anger is gigantic. Then you settle down, on your own, ready to grieve now, at this perfect time, but you feel peaceful, maybe numb. We cannot control something like this, just like we cannot control who we love.
We are taught not to cry, our society mutes emotions when they are “too much” too messy, too painful - it threatens chaos and suggests we have lost control… and to cry is to feel deeply - to wail, sob, scream. But this is our ever so wise bodies processing our pain, our hurt, our heart break. Crying releases the hormone oxytocin which is what we feel when we hug a loved one. Crying is our bodies giving us a hug, it re-balances our nervous system.
Is it a coincidence that grief comes in waves? Water, tears, healing us and carrying us through. This beautiful short piece I was sent by a lovely friend, explains the process so well, and allows us to surrender to this unavoidable process we all face at some time in our lives Click HERE to read.
Be gentle with yourself
“Little by little, we let go of loss, but never of love”
What can be uncomfortable is accepting help and support from others. In this vulnerable state we feel exposed, messy, seen, and imperfect. Our guard has been struck down, and we need to connect with the hearts and minds of those around us. More than ever we need to know we are not alone. Grief is terribly lonely, and so reaching out, and letting in is so healing for us.
A most beautiful and humbling experience is to allow friends and family, acquaintances and even strangers, to offer their love, empathy and support. The Japanese art “Kintsugi” is a beautiful philosophy about becoming stronger after hardships, with the love and acceptance of ourselves and from others.
Some people who have not yet experienced loss cannot imagine it, and it isn’t their fault. A common reaction to witnessing another persons grief is avoidance. It is painful but it is their reaction which often comes from fear. Fear of it happening to them, of not knowing what to say or do, not being able to tolerate heightened levels of emotions which may overwhelm and frighten them. The good news is the support available from GP’s, cruse and independent professionals who can support you, and guide your loved ones in how best to be there for you.
Grief is physical. Moving our bodies and working with them is a very healing things to do.
Walks, massage, gentle stretching, deep breathing - are all examples of ways to stay in your body as it digests and processes your emotions.
Cold water therapy is a wonder for me. Hayley Dorain runs Wild Sea Women, as well as workshops on the Whim Hoff method. Using the body mind and breath to heal, you learn the techniques to withstand the cold - and even enjoy it! As well as the breathing techniques to give resilience, strength and relaxation to body and mind. Click HERE for more. Learning how to tolerate the cold, get through discomfort and pain, is a bit like grief. You know the pain is won’t last forever, you will get used to it and warm up soon! - It flows like water, waves, and when we get out and our bodies heat up again we are reminded after each challenge, of our inner strength, the warmth that follows the storm, and that the pain and relief are both temporary - and we can weather it all.
“Joining with gold”
Kintsugi is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold — built on the idea that in embracing flaws and imperfections, you can create an even stronger, more beautiful piece of art. Every break is unique and instead of repairing an item like new, the 400-year-old technique actually highlights the "scars" as a part of the design. Using this as a metaphor for healing ourselves teaches us an important lesson: Sometimes in the process of repairing things that have broken, we actually create something more unique, beautiful and resilient.
How do you want to come out of this experience? How do you want to be changed because of it?
Life has no conclusions, it is a book without an ending. We will live with our grief and the pain will still be there, but with the cushions of our love for them.
To “get over it” means we get over the one we love, which we never wish to do. The tears we shed for them are the love we never got to express to them, so I will embrace the tears as they come and go for the rest of my life.
For now, make space, allow others to hold space for you too, and know your way is the right way, and there is a lot of support and empathy out there too. Allow the process, the transformation into your new “Kintsugi” self, and cherish the joyful happy days you still have ahead.
“We can do hard things” - Glennon Doyle.
